Life After Law Enforcement; Leaving behind the addictions

I've debated writing this for some time and it wasn't until speaking to my wife, that I decided it was time to put it into words.  My hopes in writing this is that I may help someone thinking about leaving the career and how they can get over the ADDICTIONS that come with the job.

My law enforcement career started unlike others, because this was a job I never wanted and never saw myself doing.  I am what you call competitive.  I hate losing, I hate being showed up, I hate coming in second.  When I saw someone who I played basketball with in high school driving a patrol car, I thought to myself, I can do that.  I began to seek what it would take and after getting my AA in college, I applied to the police academy in Eureka CA.  I was accepted and uprooted my family to move away for the eight months it would take to complete the course.  Two months in, the academy was going well until I fell during a run and broke the ball socket in my foot.  I had a hairline fracture and was told it would by 8 weeks before I could run again.  I was also told by my director that I had three days to get back on my feet or I would be cut from the program and would have to re-apply.  Like I said, I hate to lose and I didn't move my family from our home so I could let them down.  I borrowed an ankle brace and after three days of rest, I went back to normal activities.  Six months later, two days before graduation, I was called into the directors office and given the news.  I missed graduating first in the academy by three points.  I was better in every way from the number one guy, except for one thing.  He was huge and strong and he was able to make up points he lacked everywhere else by his strength alone.

So graduation came and went and I accepted a job for the Lassen County Sheriffs Department.  Because my background was spotless and my scores were so high in the Academy, they said I would be the first to move to the street from the jail as soon as the next spot opened.  Thinking everything had fallen into place, I began to find ways to excel and prepare myself for the street.  Then it all fell apart.  I had a supervisor who was pretty sick and twisted.  I personally caught this Supervisor on the roof looking into the female inmates dorm watching them undress.  Several times he would explain to me how he loved going on trips to the Philippines so he could have sex with young girls under the age of 14, because it was legal there.

I went to my jail supervisor and made a sexual harassment complaint and about three weeks later, I was terminated.  Their reason was because I was not a good fit and they said and I would need to go somewhere else.  After everything I did to get in a position to further my career, I was told I was not good enough.  I had essentially lost.  I later found out there were other reasons.  One of the supervisors was trying separate Karen and I so he could have a chance with her. But whatever the reason, I felt like I would not be able to fix everything that had happened.  Why would another department want me after being fired?  None the less, six months later, I had four departments courting me.  The one I choose was the Truckee Police Department.  There I met one of the greatest men, honest and fair in Law Enforcement.  He was not liked by everyone, but I felt as if he had our best interest at heart and he would make certain everyone got a fair shake with him. His name was Chief Scott Barry.  He took a chance on me and I was not going to let him down.   

I excelled in the department and after clearing my FTO program, I found a passion for DUI investigations. I loved the thrill of the hunt and each year for the next four years, I led the department and every department in Nevada County with DUI arrests.  I was in love with my job.  I loved chasing bad guys down the freeway at 100 mph, I loved foot chases through the park, I loved driving in the snow, I loved playing basketball with the kids in the trailer park, I loved walking the bars and arresting drug dealers.  I loved breaking up fights and doing CPR on heart attack victims.  I loved driving fast trying to catch speeders. I loved every aspect of the job except one thing, the people I worked with and worked for.  A lot of law enforcement can attest, a small number of cops are not so great people.  I had one cop I worked with who was having an affair with a 16 year old girl, one who liked to sleep in his patrol car every night and every morning. One who liked to have sex in his patrol car.  The list goes on.  A majority of the men I worked with were honest men who just wanted to go to work and do their jobs.

I wasn't perfect and like any young officer, I made mistakes but I loved the job.  In the end I was fired for some stuff I didn't do.  I thought my world was over.  I had become addicted.  I was addicted to the adrenaline. I was addicted to the praise.  I was addicted to the routine.  I was addicted to the notion that I was a police officer.  I was addicted to always having a gun on my hip everywhere I went.  I was even addicted to the brotherhood I thought existed.  Most of all I was addicted to the money.  I fought the charges and eventually won my job back and eights months of back pay plus a little pain and suffering money, but the damage was done.  My career was over.  From June 14, 2003 when I joined the police academy to September 13, 2012, I got to live the dream life and in one quick instant it was over.  I wondered how I would feed my new found addictions.  Most of all I wondered how I would feed the money addiction.

At the time of my resignation I was making about $110,000 a year with all of my incentives, overtime, sick pay, etc.  I didn't have any formal training other than wild land fire fighting and I knew there was no quick way to make that kind of money.  My family, of then 7, was in big trouble.  I applied at other departments and each one told me I was unfit and they were not willing to take a chance on me.  The money ran out and our world began to fall apart.  Our cars were repossessed, I had to sell three motorcycles, I defaulted on all of my loans and I struggled with my identity.  It would have been impossible if it wasn't for my wife and the business we started a few years before. We would have lost everything we had worked so hard for.  And still I had no way to fulfill my addictions.

One of the most painful things to deal with and something I even deal with today is the loss of my relationships.  When one of their own is fired, officers tend to separate themselves from them.  This was certainly the case for me.  I loved and thrived on my friendships and relationships and to be cutoff immediately was a gut shot.  I felt abandoned and alone when I needed my family the most.  I had one friend left who fought for me and was with me through everything.  Men and women I vowed to give my life for had turned their backs on me and left me to figure out the new chapter of life on my own.  I don't blame them.  I was painted as a liar and an all around bad guy by the department, but even with that I still resent them.

With everything in ruins, it felt as if life would never return to the normal-ness I had enjoyed.  The lifestyle we had become accustomed too and the friends who had become our family over the last 7 years.  Now we forward to six years later, and the life I once had seems like a far away dream.  I miss so many things, and of course all the addictions that come with the job.  I have found out that I didn't need them and after all I miss them, and long to drive 100 mph through the canyon chasing bad guys, but I can live with out it.  We have our lives set up now so we work when we want.  We take vacations without asking for time off.  We can make every baseball game and every school function. The stress of law enforcement is gone and I no longer have the entire world waiting for me to make a mistake.  My every move isn't scrutinized and gone over with a fine tooth comb.  My life is so much better.  It doesn't even compare to what a shell of man I was trying to be as an officer.

I have become a father who is present.  A father who is involved and able to coach each of my children.  I am a present husband, able to cook every night for my family.  I have time to take care of my yard and home and be invested in everything I do.  I lost my identity as a police officer but I gained my individuality as a more whole person.

I am not writing this to put down officers.  We need them and it is a profession that will always hold a part of my heart captive.  I still look at every patrol unit driving by and wondering what kind of officer he or she is.  I still stare extra long as I pass a wreck to see if I can determine who is at fault.  I still and will always wonder if my career had turned out different, then what if.  But I will never wish to go back to who I was or how I had to take care of my family.  I will always look to be a better person and hold myself to a higher standard because those are some things I never want to lose.

There is life after law enforcement and once you figure out how to navigate life as a civilian, you will see it is so much sweeter knowing you got to see the dark side of society.  You will sleep so much better knowing you are free to be who you want, not who the public expects you to be.  There is life after law enforcement if you have the strength to leave it behind.